For those we have loved and lost

The passing of the Duke of Edinburgh reminded me of those that I have loved and lost. It has reinvigorated me to make the  most out of my life and to pursue my dreams. 

When I was in my teens and 20s, I would often say that I wanted to live without regrets. I've become more of a realist in that I know that I have many regrets and there will be more in the future. It's a part of life. 

I never really knew my grandfathers. They passed away when I was a child. The concept of grief was foreign to me then. 

It was only when a friend died in her late 20s that I understood grief and experienced the seismic collapse of my world. I received a call when I was at work. I left the office and cried uncontrollably. A colleague had to collect my belongings and pack up for me. At home I sobbed for weeks and numbed the emotions by watching tv. I'd burst into tears at random times like when I was doing the ironing or washing the dishes. In those quiet moments, the tears would creep up, out and down my cheeks. It was hard for me to process all that had happened - my guilt, pain, helplessness and appreciating my own mortality. Before this, as a young woman, I'd felt carefree in some ways and was naive to the tragedies of life.  

In the last year, many people have lost loved ones. It's hard to find meaning in why their time has come and why we are left behind. We go to funerals and care for others to feel less alone and less helpless.  We voice our views and protest for the vulnerable so they may be protected and not needlessly lose their lives. 

My experiences of losing people has made me more compassionate and sensitive to any loss of life. I empathise and understand those that have joined this unfortunate club of grief. Until you have lost someone close to you, you never really understand what it means. 

I visited a death cafe years ago and wept. I had never spoken about death to a group of strangers and exposed myself in this way. It was actually very cathartic because we don't often speak about the deceased and sometimes we need to. 

Just as mental health was taboo, death and grief isn't talked about much. We cry privately, wondering how the sun still shines and the world keeps turning. We put on our happy face, carry on and do our best.

The reality is that we aren't all resilient or able to navigate loss. It's not on the syllabus in school nor on the list for parents like teaching kids how to ride a bike. 

Death sucks. 

Each time I lose someone, I struggle with the loss. It doesn't get easier. When the pandemic began, I wondered if I might die or lose any family or friends. I know friends of friends who have died. A writing teacher I met on zoom also passed away. 

We are the lucky ones who have our lives to live.